Extracts From The Collected Anecdotes & Sayings

of John Manders, Ireland
(written between 1820 & circa 1850)

© SFH 2000-2001

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Scottish Family Heritage does not vouch for the accuracy of any item published here. The choice of subject matter is made solely on the basis that the content is deemed to be of historical interest, and in no way reflects the views, political, religious or otherwise, of any person connected with Scottish Family Heritage.

General Note: All grammar, spelling and punctuation is that of the author. The editors have made only very minor corrections to the original text. Some very long paragraphs have been modified.

Advice to Inexperienced Hunters

"If you should chance to be galloping through a field of young wheat, and on hearing a shout behind, you should look round and espy a man running after you with a florid complexion, and a hedge-stick in his hand, tarry not a moment how earnest soever he may appear in his endeavour to overtake you; for it may be that he is the bearer of ill tidings, and it is the property of a wise man to snack such moments of bliss as lie in his way in this worlds of care, without heed to the future." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1106

Anagrams

In Carlton House," No Caroline thus," Castlereagh.
"Get real Cash, Intrigue, I get ruin."  - Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1008

(Changed & Hanged)

The following is from an old Chester Paper

Says I to Dick, come be of good cheer
The Ministry's going to be changed as I hear;
Good news, replies Dick, but it better would be,
If in "changed," you could truly omit letter C.

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 953

(Cleanliness & Experience)

Cleanliness is the elegance of the poor,
Experience is the mother of science. -

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1081

Cure for Cankered Teeth

Take and Egg, that was laid on a Thursday, and empty it, and fill it with salt, and set it on fire untill it be made into powder, rub the teeth with the powder, and you will find it both kills the canker and the worms that eat the teeth, and destroys them. - Proved . Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 984

Cards

Cards are the sovereign promoters of pleasure; for they destroy that which destroy it - time. They extinguish vanity of exterior; for no female card player can care for countenance or complection. They annihilate pride; for the card table instantly puts all on a level. They are the actual antipodes of hypocrisy and deception; for they have no equal in showing every crevice of the heart, and every wrinkle of the temper. They prohibit flirtation and its consequent follies, early marriages and a hopeless accumulation of children; for love between card players is as impossible as love between the wolf and the wolf-dog. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1126

How to dream of the man you love best - place his picture under your pillow. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1110

(Sabbath Work)

At Church I heard our Parson Say,
We Should not work on Sabbath - day;
But oh! good Lord! with knife and fork,
At dinner time, how he did work!

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 998

Spirits & Brandy

"is my wife out of Spirits," said Sir John, with a Sigh;
(For he feared that a tempest was forming:)
"Quite out, Sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
"She finished the Brandy this morning."

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1010

Rawzzini and Braham

Says Rawzzini to Braham, "I'll tel you von ting, When you've lost all your teeth, Master Braham how to sing," "Tell your secret," says Braham, Ah, mio diletto, You must do like your Maestro, and sing a false - setto." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1106

A country woman, coming to an inn in the west of England, wanted a bed; and being told they had none to spare, still persisted, till the landlady, said in a joke, "I tell you good woman, I have none, unless you can prevail with the hostler to give you half of his." - "Well," says she, "if he is a sober, prudent man, I should not mind!" - Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1103

Soldiers are no great geographers; the line leave the business to the staff, the staff to the artillery, the artillery to the engineers, and the engineers to Providence. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1114

Throughout the world, innkeepers are a sort of genus per se, and bear the same mutual and strongly marked characteristics of their profession. Through life their motives and ends are alike, and consequently their generic habits and address are invariably similar, in all the leading particulars, in every country of Europe.

They are courteous, since it is a remnant of ancient hospitality; important, because they are men in authority, having servants under their command; well-favoured, since they live amidst the fat of the land; good-humoured, as the(y) mix only with strangers, and dare not, if they would, discover their spleen; talkative, since it is their doom to hear news, as well as their duty to divulge it; the most submissive, because they are the servants of the public, and yet the most authoritative of mortals because they are its masters.

The keeper of a Greek coffee-house is of all men the most busy, bustling, and loquatious; always in a storm, either to please, to serve, or to make you believe he is serving you; apparently the most complying, and yet the most obstinate of all entertainers. As to human passion, he has none; he is always meek, modest, and imperturbable, and the vilest expressions of rage and dissatisfaction will never extort from him any reply beyond a shrug of his shoulder, and a meek interjection of "Pazienzia, Signor mio, pazienzia!" - Emerson's Letters from the Ęgean. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1119-1120

I rowed to Rhode Island in the King's yatch. Then I mounted & rode a good road after that.  Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1012

Kissing His Holyness's toe, originated in a desire to exhibit profound humility and veneration for the successor, and the cause of Christ - from the notion probably that the more lowly the appearance of attachment, the more holy the object of it, and more devout the suppliant. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1103

The bark of the poplar tree cut small and cast into furrows well dunged, will cause the ground at all seasons of the year to put forth mushrooms fit to be eaten. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1093

"Within this awful volume lies
The mistery of mysteries!
Thrice happy they of human race
To whom our God has given the Grace
To read, to mark, to learn to pray,
To lift the latch and force the way:
But better had they ne'er been born,
Who Read to doubt - or read to scorn."

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1015

Why is a pious man like a wild beast? Because he preys. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1104

Of all the Garbs in poverty's wardrobe, the faded mantle of former prosperity is the most melancholy.

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1013

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise respecting certain duties. The Commissioners, thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them, with a stern countenance, asked him "Pray Sir, do you know what we sit here for?" Yes," replied Nathan, I do; some of you for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1088

(Sage Hali)

Sage Hali, says, "It is not good to jest with God, death, or the devil; for the first neither can nor will be mocked; the second mocks all men, one time or other; and the third puts an eternal sarcasm on those who are too familiar with him." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1098

Scent per Scent

Two friends exchanging pinches of snuff at a Coffee house, an observer remarked, " You are making a profitable barter, gentlemen." "That cannot be",  said one of the snuff-takers, "as it is only pinch for pinch." "Nay," rejoined the observer," you each scent per scent by it." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1036

Scotch Economy

A young Scotch gentleman, desirous of learning to play the violin, applied to his parent, for money to purchase the instrument, &c. "Aye, Sandy (quoth the parent.) had na ye better play the flute? ye'll save the expense o' rosin, mon." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1113

Separation

Separation from those we love, the more dreadful it appears, seems less probable; it becomes like death, a fear, which is more spoken than believed - a future event, which seems impossible even at the very moment we know it is inevitable. Love alone can give an Idea of eternity; it confounds every notion of time; we think we have not always loved. - Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1104

(Small Beer)

A Gentleman having called for some small beer during dinner, the lady of the house remarked that she was affraid it was dead. "That I should not be surprised at, " observed the gentleman, "for the last time I was here it was very bad indeed." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1057

Spanish preaching

A ludicrous preacher in Spain, on a Good Friday, after expatiating on what our Saviour had suffered for us, and of our ingratitude towards him, at length gave himself a great box on the ear, and said "Lord, must I be so ungrateful and so wicked?" Upon which the whole congregation, consisting of four thousand persons, fell to boxing themselves all at once, making the same exclamation! Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 1096-7

(Surnames)

There are at present five persons belonging to the head police establishment, whose names are as follows:- Kent, Cornwall, Derby, Somerset, and Canterbury. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 1087

Table Talk

Browne at the dinner-table sate,
With custard pudding on his plate;
"Custard, he cried, "come, that's a good one,
Its very soft, for curst hard pudding."

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1019

The Auctioneer

Auctioneer Ladies and Gentleman, the articles in this day's catalogue are immensely valuable. My poor endeavours will not be required to urge this society to bid nobly for such inestimable gems -

Lot 1. (Gentlemen and Ladies) is a grain of Chastity, closely corked within this little phial." - It was once the property of Lady A: P: but she lost it in the shrubbery, though afterwards found, it never was restored to its original owner, but has occasionally been possessed by many ladies of distinguished rank, Mrs. C: was the last proprietor of it, but she did not keep in many hours. It now belongs to a lady who is determined to part with it at any rate. Fortunately my wife has many grains or pennyweights of this commodity, scarce as it is, or I should not have suffered it to come under the hammer. Lot. 1. Is a grain a chastity, carefully preserved." Does nobody bid for this lot?

A very old lady. One shilling.

Auctioneer. One shilling! only one shilling bid for a grain of chastity, closely corked in a phial and preserved. For shame, Gentlemen  and Ladies; let it not be said that chastity is become a drug! That white robed innocence is so slightly estimated, as to be purchased with a single shilling!

A young lady. Thirteen pence - halfpenny .

Auctioneer. Go on, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are not half way. I must suppose my fair auditors have a stock by them of this article: far be it from me to insinuate that they consider it of no value. - I will therefore charitably suppose that it is not so scarce an article as I apprehend. Going for thirteen pence halfpenny - going - gone.

Auctioneer. Lot 2. Nineteen scruples of private scandal, authenticated by strong, probable surnames, worthy of being related as facts." Will any person say anything for this lot?

A lady. Five Guineas. Another. Seven Guineas. A Gentleman. Ten Guineas.   A lady. Fifteen Guineas. A Gentleman. Sixteen Guineas. A lady. Twenty - five Guineas.

Auctioneer. Going for twenty - five guineas. - Nineteen scruples of private scandal going for twenty - five guineas. Going - going - gone. That lot ought to have fetched double the money. - Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 1048-1050

The Eight of May

Maria, sweeter than the rose,
As like the may its dew bestows,
Maria, brighter than the Morn,
As orient beams the May adorn,
Maria, claims my song to day,
As I salute her Queen of May.

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 980

The Pyramid of Drink

The operation of drink, in its various degrees, may be represented by a pyramid thus:-

  Tipsy

Very Fresh  X  Very tipsy

Fresh      XX  Drunk

            Lively       XXX   Very drunk

         Comfortable        XXXX      Stupidly drunk

                   Sober           XXXXX          Dead Drunk

        Sobriety. -

The sober moments which immediately succeed to dinner, are the most miserable in existance. The languor - the sense of utter inefficacy, mental and bodily, are dreadful. After a few glasses, you ascend the first step of the pyramid, and become comfortable. In this state, you are not much disposed for conversation. There is a tranquil luxury in your feelings - and a reverie comes on, which if you drink no more, is likely to terminate in Sleep. A philosopher seldom passes this point, except in company.

Drink on, and you step up to lively. Now you begin to talk, and your remarks are smart and pertinent. You have the reasoning power in high perfection, but aided withal by a happy fertility of illustration. This may be considered as a mental aurora, announcing that the sun of fancy is about to rise from the "purple wave."

Fresh. -

There is more fire and colour in your ideas now, for that sun has risen. You grow more eloquent, and less logical. Your jokes are capital - in your own estimation. Your preceptions are still tolerably clear, beyond yourself.

Very Fresh. -

Your conversation is more and more highly coloured. Your eloquence is impassioned, and you overwhelm your companions with a flood of talk. You begin to suit the action to the word. Ideas not quite coherent, but language still tolerably distinct and correct.

Tipsy. -

Now, on the top of the pyramid, you begin to grow giddy. Gestures very vehement - and epithets numerous, and much exaggerated. Argumentative, but not rational. Words considerably abridged, and ideas lamentably obscured.

Very Tipsy.

You find out that you have a turn for vocal music, and regale your friends with a Solo. Speechify in incoherent language, and evince a most decided tendency to mischief and locomotion. Proud as a Peacock, stout as a lion, and amorous as a dove.

Drunk.

Perversely quarrelsome, and stupidly good natured dealing much in shake hands, and knock downs. Tongue  Stammering, and feet unsteady.

Very drunk.

Abortive efforts to a[[ear sober. See everything double. Balance totally lost - drift about like a ship in a hard gale. Vocabulary reduced to a few interjections.

Stupidly drunk.

Head and stomach topsy turvy. Eyes fixed and glaring. Utter incapacity of speech and locomotion, accompanied with an indistinct yet horrid consciousness of your situation.

Dead drunk.

An apoplectic sleep, and confused dreams of the Devil or your creditors.

Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 992-995

The Pleasure of making a Will

Without tranquility of mind it is vain to expect health - and what thinking man can enjoy an easy mind, while he reflects, that Death! may in an instant plunge into misery those for whom he has the most ardent affection, yet how many, after having toiled for years, to accumulate wealth, from neglecting to bestow a few hours to the arrangement of their affairs, have frustrated the intention of a long and laborious life.

This business can only be properly done when the mind is perfectly at ease and undisturbed, and I often reflect what an irritation it must produce when delayed to the last hour!.

The trouble of making a will is trifling, when compared to the reflection of having done your duty to the utmost, to protect and provide for all who are dear to you. Decr.. 25th.. 1828. - Book No. 7, 1820-1829, pps. 1014-1015

To Prevent Suffocation

The Danger of being suffocated by smoke, to which persons are exposed who enter premises on fire, may be effecttually obviated by tying a wet silk handkerchief, single, over the face. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1110

(Umbrella / Annuity)

Why is an umbrella like an annuity for life? Because it affords shelter in a "rainy day." Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1105

(Wits & Razors)

It is with wits as with razors, which are never so apt to cut those they are employed on, as when they have lost their edge. - Swift. Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1035

(Workman's Age)

Having occasion to enquire of a Workman of mine, what age he was, "I am only twenty-Six, Sir, answered he, "but I ought to be twenty seven, for my mother miscarried the year before I was born."Book No. 7, 1820-1829, p. 1003

This page was last updated on 21 January 2001